Chapter Four
Catherine sighed with pure joy at his move and snuggled closer to him.
She felt him stiffen and draw his body slightly away from hers while a hot wave of sharp pleasure, quickly smothered by embarrassment, filled the bond. She realized her movement had brought her in close contact with his erection, still surging hot and hard along her belly, not in the least abated by the harsh emotions they'd just gone through.
How she longed to see it, to see the whole of him! How she longed to touch that part of him that had filled her, measure its size and strength with her eyes, with her hands, with her mouth. How she longed to ease the obvious, if tightly controlled, tension she felt through the bond!
With a gentle determination, she closed the distance again to mold her body against Vincent's and hugged him tight, letting him share her own quiet, unashamed pleasure at that intimate contact. For a few seconds he seemed to accept it, even relaxing a little.
Suddenly, without warning, he began to disengage himself from her, opening the cloak as if to get out of it. Catherine clung to him in panic. "Vincent!"
Immediately his arms were back around her. "Shhh, Catherine, I'm not leaving. I only need to tend the fire!" He gazed deep into her eyes. "I'm not leaving!" he repeated as a solemn promise, before reluctantly extracting himself from her arms.
Catherine felt a sudden chill when his warmth left her, but soon forgot it as he rose, and the whole magnificence of his body appeared in the flickering light. Her wish to see him had finally been granted, and she shamelessly stared, filling her eyes with his golden beauty. He was every bit as gorgeous as she'd dreamed, and she let him know how much she enjoyed the sight of him. Her gaze trailed down the muscled chest and flat stomach to linger on his proudly surging erection, and her tongue unconsciously stole out to moisten her suddenly dry lips as a small moaning gasp escaped her throat. The sound of her own voice made her realize she was getting carried away and she clamped down hard on her flaring arousal. What must Vincent be thinking? Oh, well…
Vincent hastily squatted down near the fire, hiding his burning cheeks behind the curtain of his hair, both embarrassed and deeply thrilled. He could hardly believe what he felt from Catherine, much less reconcile it with the idea he had of his own body. Yet there was no denying her open admiration, the pleasure she found in looking at him…and that incredible, quickly smothered wave of raw hunger as her gaze lingered on… To his distress, he felt the incriminating part of his body swell even further. Helplessly, he shrugged. Oh, well…
He quickly added a few pieces of wood to the dying fire and blew it back to life, before rejoining Catherine in the warmth of their cloth refuge. With hardly any hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her to pull her close, welcoming the contact of her warm, pliant body as she gladly nestled against him. This time he didn't flinch when her smooth belly came to press on his aching flesh, bringing a momentary, tantalizing relief.
She felt so good! He wouldn't leave her any more, that much he knew, and he wanted her desperately, but, after what had happened, how could he risk losing control ever again?
You alone decided both our fates.
Catherine's reproachful words sounded in his ears, and he realized he was doing it again, dismissing her own, very different, point of view on the matter. So wonderfully, miraculously different that it was difficult, almost impossible to accept that it might be as valid as his own. He knew what he had done. But then…so did Catherine…
"Tell me," she softly asked, evidently aware of his turmoil.
He sighed and surrendered. "Oh, Catherine, what will become of us now?"
She had a ready answer for that question, but waited for him to continue.
Burying his face against her shoulder, he went on. "Before you came into my life, Catherine, I had come to accept that there would be no one for me. What happened with Lisa had taught me that it would not be safe to lose control that way ever again. I had found…not happiness, but some sort of peace in that renouncement. Then I found you, and there was no more peace! Against all reason, despite all my fears, I began to hope, and to dream. Dream that one day you might be mine and as the months passed and our relationship grew, those dreams became more precise, gaining strength from your own feelings, from your own dreams. Even though my mind told me that it was a folly, that it could never be, I longed to have you in my arms, in my bed, and love you as a man loves a woman."
She hugged him tight. "I had the same dream, Vincent!"
"I know," he whispered. "I had hoped, against all hope, that one day, one night, those dreams might come true. That I could control the darkness, and love you as you deserve to be loved. I wanted our coming together to be something beautiful!" His voice became hoarse and she felt wetness on her skin. "Darkness won! I didn't love you like a man, I took you like a…"
"Don't say it!" she fiercely cut in. "Don't even think it!" She tugged at this hair almost roughly to bring his head up and framed his tear-streaked face with her hands, looking straight at him. "If you're not a man, then I don't know what a man is! You were…dominant, yes, passionate, but gentle, too, and loving. I was ready for you, craving for you, and you knew it. If it hadn't been so, nothing would have happened! Our bond would not have let it."
He frowned as he took her words in, weighing them against his own memories, and to his surprise he found nothing there to contradict her. From her first, sharp burst of fear to just before he'd jerked away from her body in horror, he'd been one with Catherine in their bond. So attuned to her every reaction, even lost as he was in the mindless drive of sexual arousal, that any trace of repulsion, of pain, even of mere discomfort would have stopped him. There had been none of those, despite what Catherine had been through only moments before. She, too, had been attuned to him, sharing his need, instantly ready for him, under circumstances that would have been more likely to make her cringe away even from the one she loved.
He was more familiar with their connection than Catherine was, having experienced it for a longer time, and had spent many hours speculating about its true nature. It suddenly struck him that their bond had not merely allowed the event to happen, as Catherine thought. Rather it had most probably made it happen.
Not at the worst possible moment…at the only possible moment. A moment when their need for each other was stronger than his fears, their connection powerful enough to overcome his resistance.
For Vincent knew himself well enough to wonder whether in his "normal" state he'd ever have surmounted his fears enough to let their dream come true. There had been good reasons against it… So many fears, fueled by both his own experience and Father's incessant warnings.
He had been afraid to hurt Catherine in an uncontrolled moment, afraid to deprive her of her life above by tying her to his world, to his life. Those were good reasons, yes, but he had to admit that all his fears hadn't been for Catherine's sake. His resistance had deeper, more selfish motives as well. Fear of rejection, fear of what it might do to him if the physical reality of him scared or repulsed her.
Most of all, he finally confessed to himself, he'd been reluctant to let her too close, to make himself totally vulnerable. He loved Catherine more than his own life, shared the depths of her soul through their connection, yet he shamefully realized that all that time he had kept her at arm's length, denied her access to the proud, dark citadel that was his own innermost self. A sanctuary, if a very bleak and lonely one, protected by the walls he'd built around himself over the years. Would he ever have consciously let his barriers down? Would he ever have willingly left that safe place to walk empty-handed…toward love?
The long-withheld decision had finally been taken from his hands. Vincent understood he had underestimated the power of the mysterious force that was at work between Catherine and himself. He should have known that such a powerful current, too long denied its natural outlet, would only find another way. A way to bring them together. A way to keep them together, if only out of basic survival instinct. Just as Catherine's fear drove him to her when she was in danger, the strength of his despair had led her to him. She had courageously followed her heart, guided by their connection, while he blindly ran away in shame and denial. At a moment when no argument would have been strong enough, their visceral, instinctive refusal to lose each other had thrown them one after the other into the wild current, making the fight for love a fight for life itself. A fight they had won.
They had won!
Their bond had found a way. It was done. Now, Vincent wryly thought, he could go on whining because it hadn't happened the way he wanted, but might never have allowed anyway. Or he could be glad that it had happened at all, despite all the obstacles. Glad that they had survived it together, ending up where they'd always been intended to be, and should have been long ago, but for his stubbornness. Safe, in each other's arms.
Catherine kept very quiet troughout Vincent's introspection, aware that her last argument had hit home and he needed time to work through all its implications. She held him close, sending a current of love and hope to encourage him as a first tiny, but steadily growing thread of certainty made its way through waves of shame, doubt and pain. Finally she felt the dark waves recede, swept away by a joyful realization, and a serene acceptance filled their connection, warming her like sunshine.
Vincent's arms tightened around her body to pull her closer and he finally allowed himself to fully enjoy the contact, pressing his still aroused flesh against her with a new, impatient assurance.
Catherine lifted her head to meet a darkened, intent gaze. Vincent's love, his certainty, his desire washed over her while he spoke in a deep, husky voice.
"Oh Catherine, you were right! Forgive me for doubting!" He closed the distance between them without hesitation, and the last word was spoken against her lips.
Their first kiss. Catherine had dreamed of it so often, and so, she knew, had Vincent. She'd always known it would be something unique, something that had never been, but the reality of it surpassed her wildest dreams. There was nothing shy or tentative in it, only a deep joy as they finally explored together that much longed-for path. They greedily discovered each other's taste, each other's shape, revelling in both their differences and similarities, their tongues happily dancing together as they met along the way.
Vincent was lost. Catherine's taste, her eagerness, her abandon were too much. He needed her, now, and the bond told him she needed him, too. Now that he was certain this was right between them, he couldn't find the strength to wait anymore. He deepened the kiss, his hips thrusting against her soft body, his throbbing flesh blindly seeking her core. With an impatient growl he rolled her on her back, one of his legs pushing hers apart, and the tip of his erection easily found her moist folds.
No. Not like that. Not again. Vincent fought for control, refusing to give in to his instinctive, primal urge to thrust into the slick, waiting warmth.
It wasn't out of fear, this time. He knew deep inside that he wouldn't hurt Catherine, he had finally accepted that they had made love in the tunnels, yet he didn't want to take her that way again, hard and fast, without a word. This time he needed to go slowly, he wanted to love his Catherine as he had always dreamed to, and savor every second of it. He wanted to kiss her and say tender words to her as he loved her body. He didn't know for how long he would be able to keep his raging need at bay, but he would do his best to make it last.
He rolled them back to their sides, breathing heavily, and met Catherine's questioning eyes. The bond told him of her momentary frustration, soon swept away by love, and unconditional, total trust. He almost crushed her in his fierce embrace, his heart overflowing with love for her. "Oh, Catherine, I love you!" he husked, covering her face with tender kisses. "Please let me love you as you deserve, now, adore you as I did in my dreams!"
Unable to resist the silky feel of her skin, he let his lips trail down her throat, slowly but surely edging closer to her breasts, the memory of their taste making his mouth water in anticipation.
Catherine's answer stopped him short.
"No."